one call..at the night center..

"hello!! her voice called over from the other side.
"hello! hi"
"when did u return back? i mean at what time?"
"about two hours ago. i was just going to call you."
"yeah nevermind....since when have you started to call me first..." she jeered with anger.
but that anger was not having the rage, the fury that always encircled her words. that was cold..cold and uneasy..
"yeah since when have you started to understand me?" i replied back angrily and that was not cold, nor uneasy.
"well i don't want a row over the same topic again, tell me how was pilani? have heard a lot about the college.
what was it really like being there?"
" hmmmm..the college is kind of ok. i didnt notice the department or academic sections, mess food was horrible,
they have a big library out there. rooms are ok...i had most of my meals at CP.yeah they have got a cannaught
place in pilani..the sporting conditions were not at par with my college..people are mostly dumb but there are some
beautiful chics around." i explained everything..may be too many things
no voice came over from the other side.
" are you there??? hello!!! hello!!"
"yeah somebody was there..so whats pilani all about?"
and i didnt want to utter a word so i didn't.

"leave pilani, so your college going to iit-k for that udghosh or not?" i tried to change the change the topic, more
in order to drift away my anger from her.
"no we'll be comig to your it-bhu for spardha, our college sponsors only one sports trip so we won't be going to kanpur..but to it-bhu.
" hmm and would you be coming? i mean off course you are coming ..na?"
"obviously i am coming, in any sports..let it be badminton. at least i can handle the racket"
"yeah although you'r not at all sporty, who can dare to ignore you for any sports fest?" i laughed at my own joke.
"shut up!!! and i am coming back home in dussehra holidays as well"
"what?? i mean wow...great" i was jubilant
but did she get what i was feeling??
"so finally you'r coming home. thank god"

" i want to say something." suddenly her voice was colder than ever. it penetrated my whole skin.
"yeah ! did i ever took away your freedom of speech?" joking is my habit, but was i joking??.....i was turning restless....

" i want break-up. leave me please" she continued in the same tune

" ohh!! i was so scared. i thought you had something very important to say." again joking is my habit but the nerves inside were
breaking and i was beginning to feel gravely. the sinking sentation made me stumble. i had to sit on a chair to avoid crumbling down.

" i am serious, damn serious. for god's sake don't feel funny when i am taking the second most important decision of my life"

" and what was the first one?" i was still laughing, quite hollow and confunded...

"when i decided to commit myself to you" she was firm, firmer than ever. sounding determined and cruel.

"ohk! and why have you taken this noble decision??" i sounded dumbstruck, rather more confused..

she had prepared the answer to this question too well perhaps...she started...
" i dunno. i have lost my feelings for you. i really can't afford to cheat you. to ensure you of my love which isn't there now.
i can't cheat you, i can't cheat myself. no i just can not continue. i have lost anything and everything that i had for you.....i..."

now this was the first instance when i realised what had happened,what did she say, what did she mean..what were we talking about..
.i realised that i was at the verge of falling from a cliff.

" what do you mean by you have lost feelings for me? i mean how can you lose feelings for me? please tell me the truth.
no one else has entered your life?? i just want the truth. i don't want excuses"
i was feeling furious, may be even more. i was shocked, shocked more for the reason cos i always thought that we were inseparable,
for life and if anything so bad had to happen i would have done it, i would have backed off, i would have broken off..but her saying all this was just 'out of the script'.
maybe my life has always been out of script.but for the time being i was feeling broken and shocked. angry as well.
..how can she betray me..
.how could she betray me?? how.....

"at the moment, no one's there. i just told you the truth. i can't feel anything for you. i had been trying to tell this to you for long but couldn't manage..
today i couldn't resist from telling you what trauma i had been under for so long. i had been thinking about it for many weeks now. i didn't really mean to hurt you."

"yeah you haven't hurt at all"

"and more over i could never gather the courage to say what i have said today. i want to end everything..each and everything.." each of her word was ringing
in my ears. i was getting more and more restless and resentful.

i wanted to know the real cause, i didn't want to meand the house, i was more woriewd of the public shame. i just didn't want to be blamed for it.

you have done it, not me.
but why?? what did i do?? why should i take the pain, what will i do now? what will i do next???.......

so many thoughts were clashing inside my mind. it was working helplessly slow, may be it has stopped working at all, so all the thoughts were unprocessed and
hitting my head, hard and raw, and moreover it was receiving more and more of those from the bloody "blood pumper" from the left part of the chest..

" i don't believe it, ok the joke is over..isn't it?" i bellowed

" no i am damn serious, you idiot"

"yeah idiot me, a big idiot. why are you doing this to me? i can' t sustain any more of this, i ' ve already had this in my life once before, you know that..how
can you do that to me??you can't..you just can not...

maybe i had hit something...something i had never before..

" ok!! i will talk to you later, you need time"
"and so do you" and i ended the call

the next half hour, million thoughts flashed by across my mind.
"who could be him?"
"no she's not like that, in fact she hasn't ever been like that. i was the first one and the last ...no its not over yet. i must give it a go.i just can not give up."
"but she's hurt me badly. i never believed myself..she was the one who i trusted blindly"

ahh..something had hurt me badly..and it was still painful..in resent and anger, i had hit the chair hard and it was now showing its willow.
'my left leg' that i had preserved for ages, was aching badly.

everything was going wrong but was i really feeling bad? was i really feeling cheated? was i really feeling like missing someone or something?
i really didn't know, in fact ' wait' was what i did..and i did it for hours but hardly a minute passed..time was hanging on me...

i was getting restless beyond measures. what if all this was a joke, what if she just slams the joke on me the moment i call her back..
' it would be all over ..the joke would be over the moment i call her back.'
' but where's my phone?'
it just seemed like my phone evoporated, i just couldn't find it anywhere. i searched adjacent rooms as well...shit!!! first the girl and then the phone

"is this my end?"

suddenly something was shaking , vibrating ..the phone inside my pocket was dancing like mads.
it had received a message
"dear customer. your last date for payment of your airtell bill is 21-09-07. kindly pay your bill on time. ignore the message if already paid."

damn it !

the first thing that i had in mind now was the phone bill..and then came pablo,the first guy who will be shocked to know hat has happened..


" do patched up relations work?" i was hopeless
"well ! i have seen the best examples of that and the closest one too. the patch made them inseparable once they were reunited,
much to my disgust" this was pablo
" i mean will it work for me?you know verything that has happened." i was straight forward this time round..
"you must not give up" he was pablo
"ok! lets pay the damn bill first. at least it would be lesser now cos she accounted fo most of my calls" i couldn't manage anything else

an hour later i wasn't feeling better at all. the pit in my stomach was driving me crazy. my gtalk status message kept showing what distortion
i had been going under.

7:13 busy
7:13 broken
7:14 get up! i can't be a loser
7:16 red devils strike , rooney back
7:20 fool again
7:20 bulls on parade
7:28 broken again
7:35 in love with cocaine
7:36 i am not heartless
7:38 help me
7:42 india won, vodka on
7:46 spit on my face
7:50 i love you
7:50 i loved you
7:52 don't blame me
7:52 freak on a leash

reconnecting........
signing in............
7:59 busy
8:00 dinner


dinner was equally undigestable. the pit in my stomach seemed to increase many folds the moment the first bite went in.




3 days later, the situation was clear. i had lost her or maybe she had lost me. it is over although we talk. we talk like we had talked
when we had met for the first time. and i am really feeling free, free and releived. relieved of every thing , every other thing.

i have started playing basketball and tennis. things i could not do earlier. now i can wander at assi , late night, till i dont feel like returning back,
returning back to wherever i want to. i can smoke myself out. i can booze off till i dont start spilling it out. my phone has lost its importance
maybe the bill will be lesser as well. anyway i am not bound to call anyone or listen to anyone when i don't want to

"I m back where i was"

guilt wasn't there anyway, nor is there any remorse
i wasn't made for things like that. i couldn't attach myself to anyone like that



and three months later while my eyes were glued to TV , waiting for one of the most crucial matches of the season to begin,
i received a message from her
"someone z in my life"

here it would be significant to mention that i had been thinking about patching up our relation
and it would be really more significant to mention that i didn't really intend to do it rather it was a force,
and before i could take any initiative she had struck me with a scorcher

and here we go again
against the flow again....

"raghav is the name"