Fear

“Are you afraid?” She didn’t sound drunk



It was weird to let a girl ask you shit like that but I bought it for the for the sake of the moment – THE MOMENT……….



I didn’t say anything



She took my hand and kissed it. Weird again…roles interchanged..A guy-girl thing turned into a girl-guy thing.



It was all too weird for me, but I went on



“You know what the last joke I heard was?” Her mood was turquoise now, she even sounded funny.



“It was about a guy who confessed in the end about having a kid like pleasure stick. And when his pants were pulled down the girl was in awe and all she could manage was – oh it’s cute’- ha-ha” She burst into a giggle but I could feel her shrieks



“You know my last guy had a monster in his pants. He made my jaws drop the first time. I could give up the idea of sex before I could spell it. Hey you know the only good thing about sex is that it’s easier to spell”



I couldn’t say anything. I had nothing to say



“You aren’t a pushover, are you? You couldn’t be one. Anyone but you..No way!!!!”



The Sunday morning rain was falling again. I remembered a song by Maroon 5 – “Sunday morning rain is falling, steal some color and share some skin”



Is it always about sharing some skin? Why had there been a hush about it and why had it become so important for me to share my skin.



The rain wasn’t harsh. It was a pleasing tale bringing tears to my eyes.



“Ain’ it cold here? Maybe not colder than you but still hurting”



No words were uttered for minutes, each minute dawning upon me like a lifetime.



I could sense her softness; her calm eyes demanding an explanation of my subdued conscious



I had a sudden urge to cuddle her up but I doubted whether my embrace was going to keep the cold out



I felt like bursting out and confess but I wouldn’t



She was a bird, feathers springing out of her. She was almost weightless. Her smile held promises of century and tales of forgotten past



“Are you worried cos she might come to know that you have a mistress?” And she again burst into a never ending laughter dissolving in the rain

Subdued Morality ( Part 1- The Trap)

She didn't really hesitate, I hadn't given her a chance. That really provoked my tamed conscious to molest the dawning reality and use the imposing effects of our previous conversations.

"hey only 5 mins left, then my net will go off. its already 12:55"
"well what can we do in 5 mins? let it pass by" I was almost yawning. the thought of losing the battle in 5 mins didn't thrill me. it felt like a big turn off.
"what happened? are u thr?" she was still online
it had been one hell of a conversation, from my side it had just been a routine "I-just-want-sex-chat" kind of thing with her being selflessly innocent talking about the guy she loved
But i could still feel the throttle, so I threw my final punch.
"hey give me ur no., we could chat through SMS even if ur net goes off"
"9818...."
"Ok! thanks"
"so just 2 mins left, you want to say anything?" she still felt warm at being talked into stuff she didnt really want to.
"well! u say something, anything non-veg before its gone" I had though about puking this out for a long time, but managed to spill only in the dying moments

It was not a question of morality, It is never a question of morality, harassment or anything sleazy at all. It was a step by step, deliberate effort to bring it to the point, where it doesn't sound obscene.

It was like making a trap and convince the prey that falling onto the net and getting choked by the trap was the best thing that has ever happened


XYZ is typing

12:59 : "do you masturbate?"

1:00 XYZ is offline

Existence isn’t random, it just isn’t interesting

We start as a lump of protoplasm, a machine for eating and excreting. We grow into a child, something almost supernaturally pure and beautiful. Then comes a bad time with pimple and puberty. Adolescence gives way to unwanted maturity, after which we have a year of two of being ruthless sculptors. But soon enough we start to gain weight, lose hair and for next forty years we degenerate into various forms of human gorilla and then we end and that’s what we had been waiting for since we realised the importance of existence and it isn’t interesting

a joker

A joker…..


He looked back, and everything just started dawning on him. The whole world felt so small from such a height. He wasn't sure if he was still conscious or not but keeping his eyes open felt like a daunting task. The same sun which few hours ago was a savior from the cold wind, was now stripping his self and slowly melting him down. He had very faint memories of his childhood. In fact he had no memories of his childhood. The more he tried to push his mind to the limits, the less clear the picture became, but still some trace was left, the trace that would always remind him that he had a childhood, a pain that he would carry as long as he had no bigger pain to cry upon.

He was on his knees now, may be he was hungry or may be he was too tired after reaching such a high. He rested himself against a tree and started staring into nothingness, the nothingness that was completely his own. He again pressed hard to peep into his past but the pain he was suffering from was immense and everything just started fading into black and then complete darkness.

He was still alive but not conscious of himself, not awake, and still his nerves were searching remains of his dead past. A few dim lights illuminated the corridor he was standing in. He looked like 14-15 years old. He had no moustaches but he surely didn’t look like a kid. A few meters ahead there were many people and the corridor ended into the playground. Yeah! This was his school, the same buildings, the same cathedral and same Miss Mary Fernandez.

Yeah he remembered the first day when Miss Mary had come into the classroom exactly the moment he was trying to mock their new teacher, expecting her to be old and ugly. He was dumbstruck to see such a pretty lady. The pretty lady who instead of punishing him, would just laugh gaily and so innocently that he would dissolve in her laughter.

But there was some pain in her eyes, the way she would pamper him, take care of him, the way she would 'perhaps' love him, made him feel that she missed something in her life. However her presence around always made him comfortable. The school had always been hostile to him, maybe because he was the poorest at everything including his marks, maybe because he was older than all of them or maybe he had always been a character people love to loath.

Miss Mary had been like a fresh breeze in this world utterly full of people who hated him or rather people who he hated. Every word she told, everything she taught, all just seemed perfect. His world just converged into Miss Mary and he didn't want to know if anything else, at all, mattered or not.

He didn’t remember whether he had a home or not, all he knew was school and all he could think was Miss Mary. He would keep staring at her for minutes continuously unless she would leave the class. He would then silently follow her anywhere she went and whenever caught he would make all the excuses in the world. But Miss Mary perhaps guessed it every time and discard the thoughts considering him a kid. This often used to hurt him coz he considered himself ' not a kid'.
Time kept flying and winter holidays arrived. The long holidays which he will have to spend at the school unlike other students who were planning to go home. Their happiness was not measurable; at least for him coz he didn’t know the meaning of going home, he never thought about it, he didn’t have a home and if anything he had at all, then it was the school and his poor boys fund, which kept him in school. And the pain of separation from Miss Mary was unbearable. The whole of month he would be alone again, among the lofty mountains, green forest and his unknown fear.

He lived under a fear; he always lived under a fear…..

The bus departed and so did Miss Mary and he took the long walk back to the dormitory which was almost gravely. The next big task ahead of him was to go on with the holidays and still he had the feeling that something won't let him.


His right arm was severely paining; there was a deep cut in it. He couldn’t believe all that he had been dreaming or had he been dreaming at all….?? It was impossible for him to concentrate at all; the pain was getting to him. Somewhere downhill south, people were shouting but he didn’t care. All he cared about now was knowing himself, knowing his past. He had gone through his life saying he didn’t have a past and even if there had to be one, it would be multiple choice. He always considered his present as his alter ego and no one ever dare tried to open a window that reflected his past; the past that he always profoundly thought did not exist.

And somewhere nearby he could nearby he could hear the flowing stream. He was thirsty but his thirst wasn't limited to the water in the stream. He was missing his teacher, he was missing a life, and maybe for the first time ever he was missing a home. A place where he could run to, a place where he could sleep calmly. He was missing people, he was missing everything that nature had created and he didn’t have…….
He was sobbing and the running river water was taking all his tears and delivering it to Mother Nature. It was taking his prayers, his deeds to Mother Nature.

Miss Mary had once told them" Mother Nature treats everyone equally and whenever we pray directly from our hearts, she responds immediately and fulfils our wishes."

How he knew afterwards that there was no mother nature. There was only darkness in the world. Things were meant to be snatched; they were not given by Mother Nature. And he now knew that there was no beauty to see, only a wish to destroy a beauty. But he wasn't a snatcher; he was a kid, a non- blessed child. He wasn't different from others, he just was like them but when anyone would have been like him, deficient and loveless, and they would become snatchers like him. He wasn’t a snatcher. He was the one who made people laugh at himself. He was a joker.

Miss Mary had returned a month later and his anticipation had overwhelmed him to madness. He would put his head down on the road to hear any vibrations of an arriving bus that could bring Miss Mary. His hands were laden with flowers, all of which meant for her, all of them, even him. He was also a flower, a little immature but full of love and laden with blossom. He had no memories of his holidays either, he didn’t remember what happened in the whole last month, he had Miss Mary back and he chose to ignore the last full month which had vanished like a speck in the sky. Bit how was he to know what impact that last month would have on his life…
"Is Miss Mary the same? She looks prettier than ever before. But what's she wearing? Is this a wedding gown? But what that means? ….she can't marry...I mean how can she… who is he? Arghh…this is not real….this just can't happen...

And he was holding the flowers so hard that it began hurting him. The sound of flowing water was getting to his nerves. It was perhaps noon time but he was now so deep inside the jungle that sun wasn’t so harsh on him. He tried to stand up but he felt as if he had no legs. His knees were on the verge of collapsing. Far East movement was still visible but it all looked like vanishing again into nothingness.

The woman he priorly knew as Miss Mary was now Misses Mary Springfield for him and for everyone except Mr. Springfield. He hadn't felt that bad or perhaps he didn’t know what exactly he felt. But his life had come to a standstill and in spite of all the mishappenings around, the most intriguing thing to hit him was 'the joker' that Miss Mary had presented him and had asked so sweetly to become one and spread happiness like him. How hard would it be for him to be that joker, next to impossible.
A joker that would always be him, a joker that the world would love for what he isn't, a joker who would always wear a mask so that no one knows what his real face looks like….but the joker would always smile even if his insides were crying…..
And his tears won't be carried away to the Mother Nature…coz there was no Mother Nature.


He woke up with a start. He was lying on the floor. He didn’t remember how he reached there nor did he recognize the place. Perhaps the quantity of alcohol last night was too much for him to remember what exactly had happened. Maybe he had been dreaming all night about things that he didn’t remember anymore. He casted a glance at the wall clock and it was 2 in the noon.
He tried to yawn but his jaws were paining. Dry drops of blood were lying on the floor which looked like his. He tried to turn on his back but all the muscles in his body refused from responding. He got a feeling as if he had been paralyzed. His knees were paining so much that if he hadn’t seen his feet, he wouldn’t have realized that his legs were in tact. He tried hard to think about anything but he had no memories; his mind was blank completely like that of a newly born baby. He had no thoughts but he had knowledge. He could tell the difference between a clock and a bottle, he could sense everything. He could feel the coldness of floor; he could smell the air which felt blooded. He could even move his arms and legs which meant he was alive. He knew everything but he had no memories, no thoughts at all. He felt like a zombie, he even knew what a zombie was but he didn’t remember how he knew that. With all his efforts he somehow managed to stand. He threw a look around but the room was empty except for the wall clock and a water bottle. There weren't any furniture either but a large mirror on the opposite wall. He saw his own self in the mirror. He couldn’t recognize the face. He almost fainted on the thought. How could he forget his own face….something had gone wrong..and he had no idea what..someone had brainwashed him or maybe he arrived like this only; grown up full of knowledge and no thoughts.
In the far corner of the room something was lying. He managed all his strength and limped forward to pick it up. It was a joker and somehow in his empty mind he knew that the joker was him….

misses neelam pandey

its year 1998, i am among the brighter of the kids in the class although a dark horse for quite some time in the new school tulsi vidya niketan.
the second period and first day of our 7th class, the time table reads english period and a skinny, thin and short lady enters the classroom with books and attendance register held firmly in her hands. she introduces herself as NEELAM PANDEY. our new english teacher..and wow! she has such a nice accent of talking.
the first thing she asks the class is which is the only pronoun thats always capital and my hand shoots up in air but there were no challenges at all. 'I' is the answer and she is impressed.

days are passing and i am beginning to get better of others in the class. first test copies distributed, i secure 30, second highest manuj,26. and soon it was a regular scenario, me getting the highest marks and the second highest far behind. BUT DO I DESERVE THE MARKS???
i dunno but i love this teacher more than others. there is a pain in her heart but that never shows on her face. her hands are dry, hard and yellow due to excessive household and kitchen works and yet she speaks flawlessly, so impressively and looks towards me for every answer, some of which never came out.
now its the essay competetion, year 2001, class 10th. i secure third position in the city and who would know better than me that what had i done in that but she won't listen. she would rather call me modest and too humble and i can't convince her that i am not at all, she earns even more respect.

its pre board time now and i secure 83 marks while the second highest is 69, such a margin? highly unexpected but she keeps smiling.
"manuj has written the best letter, but pushpendra was also good."
"pradeep wrote this report very nicely, pushpendra was also nice"
these statements became a regularity. a daily routine..
"this one's good but pushpendra has outscored...."WHY??

who would believe that being unbeaten in english for five years, i was to be beaten at the biggest stage, the 10th board exams. i got 90 he got 92..HOW??
was neelam pandey mam partial towards me? i won't believe it..

she said what did i do in my exams...i should have scored more..and then i felt i could not have given the paper in a better way and i had no clue where i missed out.

so i leave the school with a lot of respect for her making her my favourite teacher for life..

and then after 4 years i see her at a temple. i greet her regards but she refuses to recognise me. i have to remind her that i am the same guy who scored highest on every occasion except for the most important level, and she's still skeptic. what effects could those 4 years have had on her?? i wonder, but her hands are still dry, hard and yellow. may be thats why she's at god's abode.
she is misses neelam pandey.

random FR()$TAT!0n

everyone seeks attention, so do i. being unnoticed is one of the sickest thing that can happen.
everyone likes glances at them, some may prefer stares but no one likes being turned down. i
seek approval, i like appraisal, i despice ignorance and so do you. if i can't understand it, why
should you?? why is all this happening?? what am i doing here?? why is this man teaching??
why is the result coming out tomorrow?? why didn't i study last semester?? why didn't i study in
any semester??but why did i come here??how did i come here??how did i come here??why
did i study then??how did i study then??when did i stop studying??did i ever begin??why
everyone compelled to study??why did he study??why did i come in contact with me??why
did we live in same vicinity?? why did i come to that vicinity??why i had to leave the old one??
what went wrong there??is everything right here??then why did i escape from there??what
was i doing there?? what am i doing here??and why am i here??why am i at all?? why??why??


is everything meant to happen??is everything bound to happen?what
are reasons??are reasons biased?? whats biasing??is biasing a reason to favour ourselves?
who is ourself??who is him??and me??and that??are there answers to all the questions??is
there answer to any question??what are questions??how much time left in class getting over??
is it over??and why is this man still teaching?? finally the page is over but not the class....?
was that a QUESTION??

P.S.sitting in any of p.k.m's class ma bring the best out of you...

one call..at the night center..

"hello!! her voice called over from the other side.
"hello! hi"
"when did u return back? i mean at what time?"
"about two hours ago. i was just going to call you."
"yeah nevermind....since when have you started to call me first..." she jeered with anger.
but that anger was not having the rage, the fury that always encircled her words. that was cold..cold and uneasy..
"yeah since when have you started to understand me?" i replied back angrily and that was not cold, nor uneasy.
"well i don't want a row over the same topic again, tell me how was pilani? have heard a lot about the college.
what was it really like being there?"
" hmmmm..the college is kind of ok. i didnt notice the department or academic sections, mess food was horrible,
they have a big library out there. rooms are ok...i had most of my meals at CP.yeah they have got a cannaught
place in pilani..the sporting conditions were not at par with my college..people are mostly dumb but there are some
beautiful chics around." i explained everything..may be too many things
no voice came over from the other side.
" are you there??? hello!!! hello!!"
"yeah somebody was there..so whats pilani all about?"
and i didnt want to utter a word so i didn't.

"leave pilani, so your college going to iit-k for that udghosh or not?" i tried to change the change the topic, more
in order to drift away my anger from her.
"no we'll be comig to your it-bhu for spardha, our college sponsors only one sports trip so we won't be going to kanpur..but to it-bhu.
" hmm and would you be coming? i mean off course you are coming ..na?"
"obviously i am coming, in any sports..let it be badminton. at least i can handle the racket"
"yeah although you'r not at all sporty, who can dare to ignore you for any sports fest?" i laughed at my own joke.
"shut up!!! and i am coming back home in dussehra holidays as well"
"what?? i mean wow...great" i was jubilant
but did she get what i was feeling??
"so finally you'r coming home. thank god"

" i want to say something." suddenly her voice was colder than ever. it penetrated my whole skin.
"yeah ! did i ever took away your freedom of speech?" joking is my habit, but was i joking??.....i was turning restless....

" i want break-up. leave me please" she continued in the same tune

" ohh!! i was so scared. i thought you had something very important to say." again joking is my habit but the nerves inside were
breaking and i was beginning to feel gravely. the sinking sentation made me stumble. i had to sit on a chair to avoid crumbling down.

" i am serious, damn serious. for god's sake don't feel funny when i am taking the second most important decision of my life"

" and what was the first one?" i was still laughing, quite hollow and confunded...

"when i decided to commit myself to you" she was firm, firmer than ever. sounding determined and cruel.

"ohk! and why have you taken this noble decision??" i sounded dumbstruck, rather more confused..

she had prepared the answer to this question too well perhaps...she started...
" i dunno. i have lost my feelings for you. i really can't afford to cheat you. to ensure you of my love which isn't there now.
i can't cheat you, i can't cheat myself. no i just can not continue. i have lost anything and everything that i had for you.....i..."

now this was the first instance when i realised what had happened,what did she say, what did she mean..what were we talking about..
.i realised that i was at the verge of falling from a cliff.

" what do you mean by you have lost feelings for me? i mean how can you lose feelings for me? please tell me the truth.
no one else has entered your life?? i just want the truth. i don't want excuses"
i was feeling furious, may be even more. i was shocked, shocked more for the reason cos i always thought that we were inseparable,
for life and if anything so bad had to happen i would have done it, i would have backed off, i would have broken off..but her saying all this was just 'out of the script'.
maybe my life has always been out of script.but for the time being i was feeling broken and shocked. angry as well.
..how can she betray me..
.how could she betray me?? how.....

"at the moment, no one's there. i just told you the truth. i can't feel anything for you. i had been trying to tell this to you for long but couldn't manage..
today i couldn't resist from telling you what trauma i had been under for so long. i had been thinking about it for many weeks now. i didn't really mean to hurt you."

"yeah you haven't hurt at all"

"and more over i could never gather the courage to say what i have said today. i want to end everything..each and everything.." each of her word was ringing
in my ears. i was getting more and more restless and resentful.

i wanted to know the real cause, i didn't want to meand the house, i was more woriewd of the public shame. i just didn't want to be blamed for it.

you have done it, not me.
but why?? what did i do?? why should i take the pain, what will i do now? what will i do next???.......

so many thoughts were clashing inside my mind. it was working helplessly slow, may be it has stopped working at all, so all the thoughts were unprocessed and
hitting my head, hard and raw, and moreover it was receiving more and more of those from the bloody "blood pumper" from the left part of the chest..

" i don't believe it, ok the joke is over..isn't it?" i bellowed

" no i am damn serious, you idiot"

"yeah idiot me, a big idiot. why are you doing this to me? i can' t sustain any more of this, i ' ve already had this in my life once before, you know that..how
can you do that to me??you can't..you just can not...

maybe i had hit something...something i had never before..

" ok!! i will talk to you later, you need time"
"and so do you" and i ended the call

the next half hour, million thoughts flashed by across my mind.
"who could be him?"
"no she's not like that, in fact she hasn't ever been like that. i was the first one and the last ...no its not over yet. i must give it a go.i just can not give up."
"but she's hurt me badly. i never believed myself..she was the one who i trusted blindly"

ahh..something had hurt me badly..and it was still painful..in resent and anger, i had hit the chair hard and it was now showing its willow.
'my left leg' that i had preserved for ages, was aching badly.

everything was going wrong but was i really feeling bad? was i really feeling cheated? was i really feeling like missing someone or something?
i really didn't know, in fact ' wait' was what i did..and i did it for hours but hardly a minute passed..time was hanging on me...

i was getting restless beyond measures. what if all this was a joke, what if she just slams the joke on me the moment i call her back..
' it would be all over ..the joke would be over the moment i call her back.'
' but where's my phone?'
it just seemed like my phone evoporated, i just couldn't find it anywhere. i searched adjacent rooms as well...shit!!! first the girl and then the phone

"is this my end?"

suddenly something was shaking , vibrating ..the phone inside my pocket was dancing like mads.
it had received a message
"dear customer. your last date for payment of your airtell bill is 21-09-07. kindly pay your bill on time. ignore the message if already paid."

damn it !

the first thing that i had in mind now was the phone bill..and then came pablo,the first guy who will be shocked to know hat has happened..


" do patched up relations work?" i was hopeless
"well ! i have seen the best examples of that and the closest one too. the patch made them inseparable once they were reunited,
much to my disgust" this was pablo
" i mean will it work for me?you know verything that has happened." i was straight forward this time round..
"you must not give up" he was pablo
"ok! lets pay the damn bill first. at least it would be lesser now cos she accounted fo most of my calls" i couldn't manage anything else

an hour later i wasn't feeling better at all. the pit in my stomach was driving me crazy. my gtalk status message kept showing what distortion
i had been going under.

7:13 busy
7:13 broken
7:14 get up! i can't be a loser
7:16 red devils strike , rooney back
7:20 fool again
7:20 bulls on parade
7:28 broken again
7:35 in love with cocaine
7:36 i am not heartless
7:38 help me
7:42 india won, vodka on
7:46 spit on my face
7:50 i love you
7:50 i loved you
7:52 don't blame me
7:52 freak on a leash

reconnecting........
signing in............
7:59 busy
8:00 dinner


dinner was equally undigestable. the pit in my stomach seemed to increase many folds the moment the first bite went in.




3 days later, the situation was clear. i had lost her or maybe she had lost me. it is over although we talk. we talk like we had talked
when we had met for the first time. and i am really feeling free, free and releived. relieved of every thing , every other thing.

i have started playing basketball and tennis. things i could not do earlier. now i can wander at assi , late night, till i dont feel like returning back,
returning back to wherever i want to. i can smoke myself out. i can booze off till i dont start spilling it out. my phone has lost its importance
maybe the bill will be lesser as well. anyway i am not bound to call anyone or listen to anyone when i don't want to

"I m back where i was"

guilt wasn't there anyway, nor is there any remorse
i wasn't made for things like that. i couldn't attach myself to anyone like that



and three months later while my eyes were glued to TV , waiting for one of the most crucial matches of the season to begin,
i received a message from her
"someone z in my life"

here it would be significant to mention that i had been thinking about patching up our relation
and it would be really more significant to mention that i didn't really intend to do it rather it was a force,
and before i could take any initiative she had struck me with a scorcher

and here we go again
against the flow again....

"raghav is the name"